Treatment was uneventful. I think my doctor is getting sick of seeing me. There’s that 40% chance of another blood clot forming, so I was put on more heparin, despite me taking the regular doses before coming in. My treatment end date was set back to June. Brilliant, no? I get to go through another month of this pain.
I’m off to take a nap. The stronger pills really induce sleepiness.
I haven’t been around. I’ve been in the hospital. Saturday afternoon, I believe it was, I started getting chest pains and bronchospasm-like symptoms. I was taken to the Emergency Department, and diagnosed with Pulmonary Embolism-blood clots in the lungs. I was put in the ICU and given heparin shots to regulate my blood. On the 27th, I was given my first MRI. It was an open MRI and I hated laying on that hard, stiff table for several hours. I had several panic attacks while inside the machine and they had to re-do several of the scans. After a while, I was sedated and slept through the entire process.
A few days later, I had a minor surgery that I am still recovering from.
I stayed nearly two weeks in the hospital. It’s something I don’t want to remember anytime soon, especially since after next week, my life pretty much goes to hell in a hand basket. Treatment. Husband leaves the country until after our anniversary. I spent much of my time in the hospital trying to escape. One of my biggest fears is to die in a hospital. Alone and surrounded by strangers while my family has no idea what happened to me.
I got home yesterday, but I have been locked out of my site for days. Neither my hosts nor I really have an explanation for it. The best I can assume is that I had changed my password while in a drug-induced state of amnesia and forgot to write it down. I had to delete some tables in my database and start over, but that’s ok. I didn’t lose any entries nor did I lose any data, other than the stored password. I don’t really believe that I did it because all the accounts had their passwords reset. It’s weird. I don’t think I was hacked. Why hack a site and then do nothing to it? Plus, there was no evidence that any strange IPs logged into my site. Oh well. I had fun fixing it yesterday while in another drug-induced state of stupidity.
I can’t be happier to be home. I missed the simpler things in my life:
Oh, and the Halloween candy!
I am going to the celebrations tonight. I need the break. I feel pretty badly, and I don’t want to focus on why that is.
I feel that my morale has gone down. I’ve tried several methods to make myself feel better, but I just can’t feel better, no matter what I do. I even tried making a caffeine exlir to make my pain go away, but nothing. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Not that that may help me. My physician is no good. I wish I could have gotten insurance so I could kick him to the curb.
I took a nap today, but that didn’t take away the tiredness that I feel.
It’s only the first week of treatment, but already I feel as though I will never be back to normal. I haven’t gotten as sick as I know I can, so I am thankful for that. And now it’s time for Harvest Moon. Happy Fall everyone!
Smile! Life is a beautiful thing!
I didn’t eat today. It wasn’t intentional, it just happened. I got through the entire day, setting up things for my mom, buying her things because she intimidates me like that, and throwing away the ill-fitting, faded, worn out sheets that I have slept on nearly half my life, without eating anything solid. I drank several bottles of water, though. Making the bed shouldn’t have me reaching for my inhaler. It’s just too hard to keep those old sheets on the mattress, and it had nothing to do with the type of mattress we have, either. I’m sure they wouldn’t stay on if we had a regular box spring mattress. It’s always liberating to get rid of some of this clutter. Life shouldn’t be hard when it doesn’t have to, and making the bed shouldn’t be hard for anyone, even if that person sleeps on top of a few hundred gallons of thickened water.
I was able to go back to work yesterday. I will be going tomorrow. It seems as though my boss is the only one who is clued in on me being sick. I was denied insurance because of my cancer status. I wanted to quit after that, but I need my check to pay for my treatments. Dennis assured me that his going on the road in a few weeks has nothing to do with my health status or the financial aspects of it, and he really wants to just promote his new album. Sure. I believe that. I think it’s more that he doesn’t want to watch what is going to become of me. While I still have my hair and nails (yes, my fingernails tend to fall out during chemotherapy), it’s only the first treatment, and I will soon be hairless and full of holes, which I think he doesn’t want to see. The last time he was on the road, our nephew had just gotten the “3-6 months to live” prognosis. Our daughter had gotten the “we can’t do anything for you” prognosis. I truly believe he didn’t want to watch his family members get sick, degenerate and die. It’s not a pleasant thing, but after everything is all said and done, I know I couldn’t live with myself if I had just turned away from them when they were at their sickest.
For some reason, my co-workers did not call me today. I don’t understand why. Any other day, they would be calling every few minutes. How does this work? What is this chemical? Can you tell me where [this or that] is? Today my phone was silent. I embraced the quietness. Even if it was just for a few seconds.
Tomorrow night is Harvest Moon or the first full moon of the fall season. It’s a time of gathering, and a time of sharing the harvest with others. I am going this year. I just learned of it tonight, but I want to go anyway. It has been an important part of my life for the past ten years, and I want to continue to keep it that way. The moon is always so brilliant at the gathering, even its reflection off the lake is brilliant. I won’t be able to take photos, because cameras are not permitted, but I will fully update on what goes on when I get home.
Today my husband stopped going to the studio. The day after his out-patient surgery, he will be going overseas for the promotion of his new CD. He won’t be home until November 8th. I will be alone at the premier. I will be alone on our anniversary. I will be alone when our boys turn three. In a crowd, yet all alone. I always feel alone when Dennis is not with me. He says he is no longer going to work on the finished project because he wants to spend the time with me, while we still can.
I have yet to get sick. Or even pop open my Sims 2 game because I’m still burning DVDs for others. I want to get a good friend’s birthday package sent out before Dennis leaves for his trip, but I don’t know if I’m going to make it.
I have a stiff neck and some tiredness. The solutions that were pumped in me had these strange minty scents to them. Doc Mick said I did really well, except I took three of the blue pills last night. I’m not supposed to do that.
I’m home now. No nausea. No vomiting. Sleepy, though. Confused a little. Stiff. In need of a good stretch. Maybe this will be a good chance for me to catch up on my Sims game?
I start my white pill in the daytime treatment today. I already have a chemical fog from last night. Chemical amnesia, too. So if I sent anyone anything offensive, I apologise. Those blue pills bring out the drunk in me; I tend to do things that I normally wouldn’t be inclined or brave enough to do. Like email a certain male blogger and tell him how sexy he is. Lord knows I don’t really want him. But my email last night made it seem like I do. But I really don’t. Maybe if I write that out enough, I will believe it.
Last night was wonderful. We went out to eat. It was a warm night, the stars were out. I’m not really sure why two recovering alcoholics would go to a bar-like place at night, but that’s where we ended up. Neither of us had anything alcoholic, but I wanted to. I was tempted to Irish up the coffee that I was drinking, even though I knew my husband would be disappointed in me if I suddenly started drinking again. Or if he knew I had started drinking again. It was amusing watching others drink and stagger around. I almost envied them. We actually danced after our drinks. I haven’t danced in such a long time. Not on a dance floor anyway and dodging snakes, scorpions and spiders does not count! *laughs* Of course my back, legs and feet are whining today. Dancing on my toes all night has its disadvantages, especially when you’re not used to it. But I had fun. I even got up on the stage and sang karaoke. Something I haven’t done in a long time, either. I wanted to sing Paradise by the Dashboard Lights with Dennis, but he wouldn’t get up there with me. Strange, knowing what he does for a living. I sang Ordinary World instead. I think I did pretty good, considering I was sober and had stage fright. I even got a standing ovation from strangers at the end of the song! That kind of made my night.
Today I get the lovely job of working on the seven seasons of a TV show my mother wanted me to download and burn for her. Then I get to sort out the bills, take Dennis to work, and fix lunch for the kids. It’s the last weekend I’m going to get to do any of this, or at least do it before I become too ill to appreciate it, so I’m really taking everything in. These are the things I’m going to look back at when I’m too ill to even get out of bed. The blue pill that I take at night causes chemical amnesia for eight hours. I wish there was a version to cause the same thing for eight months, so I wouldn’t have to remember what I am going to be going through bright and early Monday morning. The more I think about it, the less I want to go through with it. Even if Doc Mick says it’s going to be relatively painless and quite comfortable.
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