Posts Tagged ‘treatments’
(Not So) Wordless Wednesday
I finally got copies of my x-rays and MRI from September. I was even able to install the program to view the pictures. SO, without further ado here’s my spine.
This one looks like a little bat…
Scoliosis:
Bone spurs:
X-rays;
I still don’t fee like going into great detail about my health right now. I’ve had too many narcotics and not enough water. I am falling asleep at my desk. I cried tears at the doctors office. I am in a hard place right now. If anyone wants to cheer me up go right ahead. But just by looking at those x-rays, isn’t pretty as to why I am on such an ungodly amount of pain killers? That there’s no recreational to it? That I am pissed off because I can’t do what I want most of the time because the narcotics tie me down? I guess not. I didn’t draw the idiots a picture.
It’s also my friend Cedric’s 39h birthday, Happy Birthday Cedric!
Leave me some love in the comments. I’d like that. 
Sleep tight loves. The world ia a beautiful place.
The First Injection Is The Deepest
I finally had to give myself my first injection of Neupogen today. It was less painful than I expected. I have to take that to prevent infection. It was no different than when I pierced my own ears in high school. Yep, by the time I was fifteen years old, I had stuck myself several times with antique diaper pins to pierce my own ears. Dennis reacted to the injection far worse than I did, he actually turned and left the room completely. Mostly, I associate injections with the huge Epi-Pen that I carry around with me. The injection from that is almost like falling on a dull nail. The needle is intended to go through clothing on the thigh. What’s usually there? Tough, thick denim, so the needle is huge and bulky. I can see the opening in the tip of it, after I’ve injected. Actually, I’ve played around with one of those used Epi-Pens, and guess what? I can fit one of my little earring posts in it, so it’s at least 18 gauge. Possibly twenty.
I have yet to decide what to do. So many people are mad at me for wanting to quit, but until you’ve been down this road, you have no idea what I am going through. There is the constant pain and anxiety. When I take something for either or both, I am labeled an addict. The pain is severe. The pain is everywhere. It seems to congregate in my back because of the arthritis and bone spurs, but where ever it goes it is severe. I literally feel as though I have been hit by a truck and the pain makes drugs like Tramadol and hydrocodone seem like simple aspirin. Very little, if any, drugs even dull the pain. Then there’s the sleeplessness that goes along with severe pain. I cannot sleep because I am in pain. The more pain I have, the less likely I am able to fall asleep. It’s a vicious cycle, but I go through it. Most of this pain is caused from the treatments. The chemotherapy that is pumped into me once a month and the effects last for days. The physical effects cause severe emotional reactions, and I don’t want to continue this way.
There has to be an alternative to what I am going through, but I have yet to find it. My normal physician (the asshole) is on vacation until Monday, though I don’t get to see him until Friday. I don’t know what I expect him to do, since for the longest time, he tells me that he doesn’t know what to do for me. I would look for another doctor, but being on pain medication and searching for a doctor who gives a damn would be “doctor shopping” wouldn’t it? There’s just no winning in all of this. No matter what I do, it is the wrong move, and that’s not right. I do want to get well. I do want to fight for my life, but I cannot do it alone or while I feel like I am making wrong moves and am the bad guy in all of this.
Chilling Thoughts
My site is finally functional again. I wish I could say my hosts fixed the PHP, but it doesn’t appear that is going to happen anytime soon. *sigh* is it too much to ask for cheap, modern hosting? To make matters worse, my DVD burner (on the computer) refused to burn any discs. Turns out the lens was dirty, after I bought 150 different discs for it. I’m not kidding. I bought DVD-R, DVD+R, DVD-RW, Memorex, Sony, Apple, none of them would burn. Then it was suggested that I clean the lens with the little CD/CDROM lens cleaner I bought back in the ’90s with the little brush on the CD. After some weird noises from my CD drive, it’s burning beautifully. Both DVD-R and DVD+R. Anyone want any movies??? Seriously! I’m up to my ears in CDs here and I need to get rid of them!! How about the Simpsons, Family Guy and American Dad Halloween specials?? My computer’s drive copies DVDs made from my new burner beautifully! Free shipping if you say yes!
I had a treatment today. It caused some vision disturbances. I think. I was having the problem last night, so I don’t know if my treatment caused it or it’s something else. I fell asleep during the treatment. When I woke up, I was stiff and cramped. I came home and slept a few more hours, and here I am. Burning movies and waiting for my site to get back in shape. I wasn’t given any pain medication this time, which was strange. I won’t get to see Doc Mick until Monday. Monday is too late for me to go to a good friend’s wedding. That was what I was working towards doing. Learning to drive long distances. Learning to not need so much medicine that I could not think properly. Doc Mick told me I didn’t need to think properly anymore because I had Matt to help me get around, but he’s going home on Tuesday. Yep, I have to learn to make it on my own. After Thanksgiving, my husband is going on the road for a little while, and I’ll be at the mercy of the world again.
The vast majority of my depression and various drug over doses these past few weeks were based on the fact that I could not get to this friend’s wedding. I was one of the first people she told, and I feel that she is mad at me because of this. I feel that I have let her down in a way that is unforgivable, and having cancer or being in pain is no reason to miss something like this. I even went out last month and spiced up my old even gown. But in the end, I failed. That’s what I do best, isn’t it? Fail. Let people down. Let myself down. That triggers depression, which triggers self-destructive thoughts and actions. When I get back on my own I can’t be self-destructive again. Being the one that everyone else is going to lean on, I cannot be weak. But I feel I am. I feel I will not win this time. I feel many things. None of them are good.
Coat Drama
I just finished my father-in-law’s birthday cake, and I’m trying to relax before I go out to ice it. No, no photos of the monstrosity that I call a cake. Every time I bake a cake, or someone around here bakes a cake, I photograph it an pop it on the internet for all to mock. Not this time, though. Aren’t you sick of seeing these cakes? I may/may not post pictures of my father-in-law in his birthday tee that I bought him – it’s a green Pop Eye shirt that I bought at Target the other day when I went on my shopping spree. It’s kind of funny. The shirt is screen printed with Pop Eye’s body, with the head at the neck of the shirt, insinuating that the person wearing the shirt has Pop Eye’s head.
My shopping spree that day ended in some tragedy. I bought a new winter coat, in black, of course, and it fit fine. I got it home only to then try to button it. It fit over my hips and stomach, but my tits were too big. I couldn’t button the coat over them, and I look like I have two huge scoops of ice cream on my chest! It’s bad! I even tried it while wearing a bra, and got the same results! I thought about returning the coat, but I really like the one I have. It was one of the few in the store that the sleeves actually come down to my wrists and they’re not too long or too short or too tight at the ends or too baggy. I really want to keep it.
I finally got my first nose bleed from treatment. I was expecting it a little bit, so I went into the bathroom and privately bled into a kleenex for about ten minutes. No biggie. No one could even tell I’d been bleeding. I called Doc Mick shortly after to tell him about the side effect. He wasn’t surprised, but warned me that a bigger side effect is hair loss. Yes, I am going to be bald very soon. I’m not looking forward to that. It could happen in as little as the next treatment, or the fourth treatment. I may or may not have hair on Christmas. I know that seems so far away, but it’s not. Not when you’re anticipating something bad to happen.
I feel really tired tonight. Getting up at 5am probably has a lot to do with this, so I’m going to finish my six pages of writing for the night, ice the cake I made, and get ready for bed. Long day tomorrow, too. I have been off of my anti-depressants for over a week now. That could possibly be why I have no energy and people in general are pissing me off. Then again, it’s probably all just in my head.
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